Stalking: the act or crime of willfully and repeatedly following or harassing another person in circumstances that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

I read a post on Twitter where someone had asked if anyone had ever been stalked. One person replied that they hadn’t and went on to say it was because they were not [timid, mousey, tiny, or vulnerable] and added that they weren’t [pretty enough]. They also made note that they were [too bitchy and too loud to ever get got]. The amount of ignorance in those three statements makes me cringe so hard.

(side note: the person who made those comments is not ugly! Her complete lack of confidence in that area is astounding).

Moving on. I almost don’t know where to start based on her response. So, I’ll begin with giving a brief overview of my experience. In the past twenty-five years, I have had three in-person stalkers, two on-line stalkers, and an ex who refuses to leave me alone (the last mentioned is not actually a stalker but does come with the understanding that he is always around no matter how much time has passed).

*I want to make this one point very clear. My experience has been with all male stalkers. My belief is that most people automatically assume “male” when they hear the word “stalker”. I want to remind everyone reading this that although the percentage is much higher, not all stalkers are male. Roughly one-quarter are female.*

When I have chosen to talk about my experience, sometimes people are understanding, other times, I get one of two reactions: 1. What did you do? You must have done something to them. 2. Maybe you shouldn’t put yourself in those situations. Like the Twitter response, both of these reactions show a complete lack of understanding for how stalking works and what the cause is.

In my particular case, if you want to count getting a job where other people work (stupid me, I know) as “putting myself in those situations”, I could be guilty. If you want to assume that having a few conversations with someone or being friendly as “doing something to them”, I would also be guilty. But the fact is, I’m not the person who is at fault. Being in a public place does not make me guilty. It does not mean that I caused it.

Going back to the Twitter response and speaking for myself and my particular situations, I can assure you, I am not mousey, timid, or vulnerable. In fact, I am the complete opposite. I am loud, mouthy, and confident. I’ve been told numerous times throughout my life that people find me intimidating. (Some people who know me on a more personal level may find humor in that because they see a different side of me, but the one thing almost everyone would be able to agree on is that I am not timid or vulnerable). I honestly believe the reason I have had stalkers is because they view me as a challenge.

When it comes to victims of stalking, there is no set standard for personality type, body type, or beauty. There is no set standard because it is not the victim’s fault. When it comes to stalking, it is about obsession. It’s the desire to control, to instill fear, to hold power over someone. It’s about the need to possess something that they can’t have. It is a mental imbalance, the belief that the victim somehow owes them something, a manipulation tactic.

I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea. None of the above mentioned are flaws on the victim’s part. It is 100% the stalker. If you wanted to do some sort of research about the type of person who is most susceptible to stalking, the one piece of information you’ll find is that it’s usually an ex. Aside from that, you’ll find articles and websites describing the different types of stalkers, the characteristics of stalkers, and examples to determine if one is being stalked. What you won’t find are articles and websites describing the type of person most likely to be stalked. There is no set type of person who is most likely to become the object of one’s obsession.

Every case of stalking is different. The victim could be an ex, a coworker, a random stranger. Some cases are in person, some are online. Sometimes the stalker follows the victim everywhere, other times they just need constant contact. Some stalk their victims from afar and some are always in their victim’s face. Some cases involve injury and/or death threats and some are continuous signs of affection.

Despite these differences, there are a few things that remain constants: the stalkers never believe they’re doing anything wrong. The victim never asks for it, nor does anyone want to be a victim. No victim wants to feel they have to constantly look over their shoulder anytime they leave their house. No one wants to wake up to 35 text messages, 2 emails, and 4 missed phone calls from the same person every day. (Yes, those numbers are accurate). No one wants to be forced to limit what they are able to post on social media for their own safety. No one wants to see/hear about their stalker posting on a friend’s timeline, asking where you are, where you’re working, what your current phone number is. No one wants to receive a message saying “I know you moved”, followed by your current address.

If a victim tells their stalker to go away, the stalker doesn’t believe they mean it. If a victim ignores their stalker, said stalker will go to the victim’s job, their friends, their family, to find out where they are. If a victim wants to get a restraining order, (as much as it makes sense), they have to willingly hand over all of their personal information so the stalker knows where they are not allowed to go. Fortunately, most states have changed their requirements for restraining orders over the past few years to reflect the age of technology and social media but, all the stalker needs is a fake account, a burner phone, or the ability/knowledge to hack into an account and they are back in business.

Going back once again to the Twitter post, it’s not about being [too loud or too bitchy to get got]. If you have any social media accounts under your name, you have any bills in your name, you need to leave your place of residence at any point or for any reason, you are just as likely to [get got] as anyone else.

If you’re one who feels the need to make assumptions, that’s your right. But, in an effort to not appear completely ignorant, I might suggest doing some research (with peer reviewed articles and government websites) or speaking to people in real life who have been victims of stalking. You might be surprised about what you learn because (I’ll say it a little louder) There. Is. No. Set. Personality. Type. For. Being. A. Victim. Of. Stalking.