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It’s Not Me, It’s You

by trisharrowsmithauthor
Image via Deposit Photos

Misogynist: /məˈsäjənəst/ A person who hates or discriminates against women.

I want to start this piece by making it clear that I don’t hate women. I hate everyone equally. (I’m mostly joking with that last line). I’m actually a really nice person. I just happen to be honest to a fault, I call people out on their bullshit, and I take issue with people who refuse to take facts/opinions into consideration just because said facts/opinions differ from either what they believe or it goes against their agenda.

With that being said, I also love playing Devil’s Advocate. Sometimes, it’s just to be an ass. Most times, though, it’s to show people their opinion is not the only valid one. I want them to see the idea/subject/situation from a different perspective.

Anyway, social media was at it again so this blog is based on a (brief) Twitter interaction. (Important to note: this person consistently posts tweets that are anti-men and describes herself as a feminist).

Twitter: Not enough people are aware that men will impregnate women on purpose in order to trap them in the relationship. It’s a real problem and just going to get worse if we don’t make change.

Me: Weird. Women have been doing that to men for decades.

Twitter: Weird misogynist retort.

Don’t get me wrong, I understand the idea behind the post. However, given the history of her postings, this was nothing more than a short, feminist rant.

I am not a feminist, although I do understand the desire of some to be one. The part I don’t understand is the need to be equal when it’s beneficial but not when it’s consequential. In this particular case, she wants to accuse men of trying to impregnate a woman to trap them in a relationship but refuses to acknowledge the fact that women have done, and continue to do, the exact same thing to men.  

Instead of debating and trying to make me understand her point, her reaction was to default to “name calling” and making assumptions about who I am. I’m always up for a good debate. I’m willing to listen to someone’s reasoning behind their opinion. But…assuming I’m a misogynist because I stated a fact? That doesn’t help anyone take your post or your opinion seriously. It doesn’t help anyone understand your point.

As for the point of my post, it’s simply this: just because a person is honest and willing to admit that women aren’t perfect, it does not make them a misogynist. It makes them honest. Just because a person doesn’t hate men, that doesn’t automatically mean they must hate women. Stop using assumptions to satisfy your own agenda.

An Opinion is Just That.

by trisharrowsmithauthor

opinion: /əˈpinyən/ a view or judgment formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge.

Based on this definition, personally, I think you should have some sort of facts to back up your reasoning for why you feel a certain way. But, that’s just my opinion. Some people may disagree with me and that’s okay.


The morning they announced that Roe vs Wade had been overturned I made the mistake of opening the Facebook app on my phone. The very top post was one of my friends stating that anyone who agreed with the ruling should unfriend them and not speak to them again.


Want to take a guess at what the second post was? That’s right…back to back. The next post was another friend stating that they agreed with the ruling and anyone who didn’t should unfriend them and remove themselves from the poster’s life.


So, you know what I did? I left both of them right where they were and kept scrolling through the newsfeed. I did end up closing the app after about a minute and a half because it was the entire timeline packed with posts exactly like those. But, the point is, I didn’t unfriend or stop following anyone. And no, I didn’t share my opinion on the matter and I won’t do it here either. That’s not the point of this post.


As an adult, I wholeheartedly believe people need to understand that other people have different opinions. And it’s okay. My personal Facebook page is private. It’s not a public page where I allow anyone to follow me like I do on my professional pages. I know everyone that I’m friends with there. There’s obviously a reason I’m friends with them there.


The point is, there is no one else on the planet that’s going to agree with you on every single subject. Even if the majority of your viewpoints align, there’s going to be something you disagree on. It’s how the world works. What you decide to do with those differing opinions is what determines who you are as a person.


Everyone has one or two things they are extremely passionate about. Most times, those things are based on large, complex societal issues: religion, sexuality, racism, politics, etc. And then you have people like me who pick the most obscure things to be loud about. The two biggest passions in my life? Literacy and prisoners’ rights.


The first one is a completely different subject and maybe I’ll write a short piece on that later. For now, let’s talk about the one I’m the loudest about. I have very strong opinions about prisoners’ rights and our justice system as a whole. Referring back to the first paragraph, I can tell you I have spent hundreds of hours researching a number of cases, statistics, the history of our justice system.


I have facts to back up my opinion on the subject. Typically, when I post about a stay of execution or (my least favorite) private prisons, the one comment I’m guaranteed to get is “do the crime, do the time”. Every single time I see that it makes my head want to explode. It goes so much deeper than just “a person” committing a crime. The only purpose that comment serves is to show your ignorance on the subject.


Most of the time, I push back a little bit when someone says that but I do spare them the one-two hour lecture on why that statement has zero validity. This particular example is not an opinion vs opinion because committing a crime never has anything to do with what I’m talking about. This is an example of someone having an opinion just to have a opinion.


Two of my very best people have done time in prison. Keeping in mind this is my absolute biggest passion, one of the things I care about most in this life, of those two people, one of them agrees with my viewpoint, the other does not. Want to know what happened when that one individual told me he doesn’t agree with me on the subject?


I said, “that’s okay. We’re allowed to disagree.” Want to know what happened after that? We had a few brief discussions on the subject. And I know, it’s hard to believe, but…we’re still friends. We still talk to each other. Do you want to know why that is? It’s because we’re adults. It’s because we know we won’t see eye to eye on everything. It’s because we are able to have a discussion without screaming at each other. It’s because one opinion, on one subject, doesn’t change who that person is.


Our discussions on this topic allowed us to get to know each other better. We both have valid reasons for why we have the opinion that we do. It allowed us to see things from a different perspective. And that, my friends, is the whole point of this blog page.


Perspective is knowledge. Having an opinion is fine. It’s what makes us unique, it’s what makes all of us different. But you need to have an open mind about things, even if it makes you uncomfortable. The key to fully understanding something is to be able to see it from a different perspective.


It doesn’t mean you have to agree, it doesn’t mean you have to change your mind. You just have to have the willingness to listen. And you need to understand that one opinion doesn’t define who that person is, even if that opinion doesn’t match your own.

Some People Just Suck

by trisharrowsmithauthor

I want to start out by telling everyone that I’m writing this piece as a PSA. I am an extremely honest person and very confident in myself, my abilities, and what I have to offer. So, while this doesn’t bother me even though it happened to me, it’s a perfect example of how some people act and why their opinion shouldn’t matter.

I was helping a customer today and I could feel him staring at me every time I turned my face away from him. This was the conversation that followed:

Him: (Leaning over the counter) I was a dentist before I retired. (Staring directly at my mouth)

Me: Yeah, they’re fake. (Talking about my teeth).

Him: (Lowers his voice just a bit) I know they’re fake, I was a dentist. Why did you say that so loud? I was trying to be discreet over here.

Me: Sir. If you really wanted to be discreet, you would have chosen to say nothing.

Him: You’re not supposed to tell people they’re fake.

Me: (Unconcerned by what he actually said but annoyed by his passive-aggressiveness) Why? I spent years not smiling at people. I actively tried to hide my face and change the way I spoke so people wouldn’t see my teeth. I haven’t been able to eat properly for years because I couldn’t bite into anything. By getting me teeth fixed, I gained back all that confidence I lost and then some. I feel better about myself, I feel healthier now that I can eat. Why would I not be allowed to tell people the truth about myself?

Him: (clearly not knowing how to respond) You know you can get implants, that might help.

Me: (rolls eyes) I have four of them. Two are active, I have to go back to have the other two completed. I had to do it in stages because I didn’t have seventeen-thousand dollars to hand over at once. What I have right now is temporary.

Him: Oh.

Me: (What I actually said) Your total is going to be $234.54.

Me: (What I wanted to say) You know, sir, as a former professional dentist, you may be able to tell that my teeth aren’t real. But, as a current dental patient, I know, for a fact, that you are exactly the type of person who should not work in the medical field. Did you keep a referral list of therapists on your desk for all the beautiful women who you made to feel like absolute shit about themselves because of your lack of understanding of what a sympathetic bedside manner is? You may have learned about dentistry in school, but you must have been absent the day they taught the lesson on how to not be a shitty person.

Obviously, I couldn’t say that because I was working. Before I went in for these procedures, I felt bad enough about my appearance, I didn’t need people pointing out my flaws. I was/am very aware of how I look(ed). Now that I’ve had things fixed, I don’t care what people think or what they say because I feel good about myself. I’m more confident about my smile now then I ever have been throughout my entire life.

And this man decided the only way his day would be better was to let me know that he knows.

You know what I know? This man…he can say what he wants. Nothing that comes out of his mouth is going to make me feel bad about myself for doing what I had to do to better my quality of life and improve my health, both physically and mentally. While I never lost confidence in who I was, I lost all of it when it came to my appearance. I honestly forgot what it felt like to feel this good because it’s been so long.

So, this is my PSA: Don’t ever let other people make you feel bad about yourself. Do not let people tear you down for bettering yourself. And for the love of what/whoever you believe in, be proud of who you are and what you’ve overcome. There is not an opinion on this planet that matters more than your own when it comes to how you feel about yourself.

Be proud.

Be you.

Don’t let some asshole ruin your day just because they’re a shitty person.

The Victim is Never at Fault

by trisharrowsmithauthor

Stalking: the act or crime of willfully and repeatedly following or harassing another person in circumstances that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.

I read a post on Twitter where someone had asked if anyone had ever been stalked. One person replied that they hadn’t and went on to say it was because they were not [timid, mousey, tiny, or vulnerable] and added that they weren’t [pretty enough]. They also made note that they were [too bitchy and too loud to ever get got]. The amount of ignorance in those three statements makes me cringe so hard.

(side note: the person who made those comments is not ugly! Her complete lack of confidence in that area is astounding).

Moving on. I almost don’t know where to start based on her response. So, I’ll begin with giving a brief overview of my experience. In the past twenty-five years, I have had three in-person stalkers, two on-line stalkers, and an ex who refuses to leave me alone (the last mentioned is not actually a stalker but does come with the understanding that he is always around no matter how much time has passed).

*I want to make this one point very clear. My experience has been with all male stalkers. My belief is that most people automatically assume “male” when they hear the word “stalker”. I want to remind everyone reading this that although the percentage is much higher, not all stalkers are male. Roughly one-quarter are female.*

When I have chosen to talk about my experience, sometimes people are understanding, other times, I get one of two reactions: 1. What did you do? You must have done something to them. 2. Maybe you shouldn’t put yourself in those situations. Like the Twitter response, both of these reactions show a complete lack of understanding for how stalking works and what the cause is.

In my particular case, if you want to count getting a job where other people work (stupid me, I know) as “putting myself in those situations”, I could be guilty. If you want to assume that having a few conversations with someone or being friendly as “doing something to them”, I would also be guilty. But the fact is, I’m not the person who is at fault. Being in a public place does not make me guilty. It does not mean that I caused it.

Going back to the Twitter response and speaking for myself and my particular situations, I can assure you, I am not mousey, timid, or vulnerable. In fact, I am the complete opposite. I am loud, mouthy, and confident. I’ve been told numerous times throughout my life that people find me intimidating. (Some people who know me on a more personal level may find humor in that because they see a different side of me, but the one thing almost everyone would be able to agree on is that I am not timid or vulnerable). I honestly believe the reason I have had stalkers is because they view me as a challenge.

When it comes to victims of stalking, there is no set standard for personality type, body type, or beauty. There is no set standard because it is not the victim’s fault. When it comes to stalking, it is about obsession. It’s the desire to control, to instill fear, to hold power over someone. It’s about the need to possess something that they can’t have. It is a mental imbalance, the belief that the victim somehow owes them something, a manipulation tactic.

I could go on but I’m sure you get the idea. None of the above mentioned are flaws on the victim’s part. It is 100% the stalker. If you wanted to do some sort of research about the type of person who is most susceptible to stalking, the one piece of information you’ll find is that it’s usually an ex. Aside from that, you’ll find articles and websites describing the different types of stalkers, the characteristics of stalkers, and examples to determine if one is being stalked. What you won’t find are articles and websites describing the type of person most likely to be stalked. There is no set type of person who is most likely to become the object of one’s obsession.

Every case of stalking is different. The victim could be an ex, a coworker, a random stranger. Some cases are in person, some are online. Sometimes the stalker follows the victim everywhere, other times they just need constant contact. Some stalk their victims from afar and some are always in their victim’s face. Some cases involve injury and/or death threats and some are continuous signs of affection.

Despite these differences, there are a few things that remain constants: the stalkers never believe they’re doing anything wrong. The victim never asks for it, nor does anyone want to be a victim. No victim wants to feel they have to constantly look over their shoulder anytime they leave their house. No one wants to wake up to 35 text messages, 2 emails, and 4 missed phone calls from the same person every day. (Yes, those numbers are accurate). No one wants to be forced to limit what they are able to post on social media for their own safety. No one wants to see/hear about their stalker posting on a friend’s timeline, asking where you are, where you’re working, what your current phone number is. No one wants to receive a message saying “I know you moved”, followed by your current address.

If a victim tells their stalker to go away, the stalker doesn’t believe they mean it. If a victim ignores their stalker, said stalker will go to the victim’s job, their friends, their family, to find out where they are. If a victim wants to get a restraining order, (as much as it makes sense), they have to willingly hand over all of their personal information so the stalker knows where they are not allowed to go. Fortunately, most states have changed their requirements for restraining orders over the past few years to reflect the age of technology and social media but, all the stalker needs is a fake account, a burner phone, or the ability/knowledge to hack into an account and they are back in business.

Going back once again to the Twitter post, it’s not about being [too loud or too bitchy to get got]. If you have any social media accounts under your name, you have any bills in your name, you need to leave your place of residence at any point or for any reason, you are just as likely to [get got] as anyone else.

If you’re one who feels the need to make assumptions, that’s your right. But, in an effort to not appear completely ignorant, I might suggest doing some research (with peer reviewed articles and government websites) or speaking to people in real life who have been victims of stalking. You might be surprised about what you learn because (I’ll say it a little louder) There. Is. No. Set. Personality. Type. For. Being. A. Victim. Of. Stalking.